Not Sophie's Choice

It has been raining like crazy here in the great “wet” north ! All the rivers and creeks are swollen, the grass is amazingly green, and the weeds are taking over my yard. I have dandelions so big they are forming “prides” in the back yard. It’s lush. And it’s dangerous. If you’re a 3-legged dog who likes to swim.

Sophie, as you know, goes for walks – well, rides in her Chariot, actually – with a good size pack of dogs every day with our friend, Angie (aka “the Dog Pied Piper”). Angie walks a lot of retriever, lab types who love to swim, and on the days when it hasn’t been torrential downpours – it has been really darn hot. So, web-footed dogs – and even some who aren’t – like to get into the water and paddle around. The trick has been to find a safe spot for them to play.

Late last week Angie called me and told me that Sophie must be a cat – that she had used up another one of her lives. We laughed – me, a little nervously. Why, I asked, what happened?  They had gone to a small creek in the centre of town, to an area of the creek bed where the water was not deep, where there were pools of water in which the dogs could play without worrying about getting swept away or pulled under by a current. The dogs were all splashing around – rolling in the water – getting dirty as dogs will do. Buster, the mutant golden retriever, had wandered a bit further out into the faster moving water. And suddenly, Sophie was nowhere to be seen. After several minutes of unanswered calling, the search was on. Angie and the pack went up and down the paths, certain that Sophie would appear any time.  After some more minutes, a very upset Angie spotted a soaking wet and mud-covered woman coming from the creek bed dragging along a very wet, mud-caked, 3-legged dog. “I found her on the sandbank – she was stuck in the mud” she said. It seems that Sophie had followed her step/brother/dog, Buster, into the faster water and been swept downstream. The woman who rescued her – and, yes, there are angels among us – saw Sophie bobbing down the creek, trying to swim. When Sophie wedged into the sandbar, with her one front leg stuck underneath her – having no way to free herself – she just lay down and gave up. The woman waded into the creek and dragged her out.

Sophie slept for hours when she got home – after a nice warm bath and rub down with a fluffy towel.

But that was last week. When she had  2 of her 9 lives left.

Sophie has just rebounded from a bad reaction to the last (I decreed it was the last) chemotherapy treatment – which saw her hospitalized, sick, dehydrated, vomiting, severe diarrhea, and so on. She lost a lot of weight, and was in very bad shape. I wasn’t at all sure she would make it through that whole episode. BUT…. she did. And the light came back in her eyes. She started eating again – she wanted to play again. My best friend came back to me. We dodged a bullet.  She quickly – really quickly – put on a substantial amount of weight – and I really didn’t think that I was feeding her THAT much. I mean, I have decided to “go dog” – to live in the moment with her – and not worry too much about the foods she is eating and all – but it’s not like I opened a buffet and let her go at it, either. I just wanted to ensure that she WOULD eat – and drink – and that she would not vomit and get diarrhea and dehydrate again. It was going really well.

Until four days ago – Friday, July 16.

Sophie snubbed her food. Chicken – nope. Salmon – nope. Dog biscuits – nope. Rice – nope. Nothing. The cats really enjoyed the salmon – and the chicken. Sophie drank a little – but was having NOTHING to do with that food. I took her out to do her business – nope – she was having none of that either. We were up most of the night (again) going in and out – lots of flatulence – but once outside – nope. After I finally passed out – she went into my son’s room and left a small pile of diarrhea on his carpet. I had to leave her alone in the house on Saturday for a short period of time. We came home to a huge pile of diarrhea in the living room. Oh no, I thought, here we go again.

But then – nothing – I mean – she hasn’t had a BM for two days.

So – today – back to the vet for some more tests. I thought I had ended this cycle when I said “no more chemo.”

The results – multiple masses in her abdomen. Large, visible from the outside (once her hair was shaved) masses all around her abdomen. Liver? Kidney? Fluid around her heart? We don’t know. She doesn’t know – and I’m not going to tell her. The vet gave us some Prednisone to give her. They gave us a 30 day supply. I don’t really think that we’ll be needing that many.

So – “going dog” – I said we were going to do it. Now the rubber has hit the road. I don’t know how much time I will have with my best friend. None of us knows that, really. What would SHE really love to do if she knew it might be the last time she got to do it ? I guess I better make a “bucket list” for Sophie and start checking things off.

Say what?

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This is my first attempt at making a video – and first attempt at uploading a video to YouTube or anywhere else !! Hope it works !

Sophie is one week out from her 3rd chemo treatment – so we are in the “no-sleep week” where she gets me up every 20 to 30 minutes to run outside and deposit a quarter-size drop of horribly smelly, soupy poop. There is no point in going to bed – I just get the covers pulled up and get comfortable (that just keeps getting harder all the time !) when she is back at the pillow panting to go back out. So – I might as well figure out how to post a YouTube video, right? I really hate chemo treatments. And this was the lesser of the two evil drugs. Next time it’s the horrible doxyrubicin – or however you spell it. “The Red Death” the vet oncologist calls it. Nice.

Sophie and I are both on journeys of discovery this year. She is learning to live her life with one less leg – and I am learning that life will go on despite a life-altering incident in my own life. She has proven to be far more adaptable and resilient than I have been. I try to be more like her. Some days I really wish I had my own Chariot – with someone to push me around (figuratively speaking, of course). Isn’t it interesting how the universe seems to provide what you need – although sometimes it’s not what you think you want? Having worked for others all my life – I am in a position now where I am going to have to work for myself. “Have to” is not a positive way to put it – “have a chance to” is more the way I need to frame it in my brain. It scares the heck out of me after being a lifetime bureaucrat. I am not a natural entrepeneur. But really – if Sophie can maintain her love of life while riding in a Chariot – surely I can recover some enthusiasm for life while starting over again. Wouldn’t it be nice sometimes to truly just live in the moment – and not have to think about tomorrow – or the next day?

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This would be so much better with pictures. Sorry – I don’t have any yet.

Angie, our friend and dog walker, salvaged a Chariot for Sophie. Now she can keep up with the rest of the off-leash dog group that Angie takes to one of several off-leash areas in Edmonton each day. I’m told that, at first, the other dogs spent a good deal of their walking time sniffing curiously at the red dog in the Chariot – no doubt wondering why she got to ride in style while Roxie, the other tripawd in the group, was off-leash terrorizing the rest of them. Maybe they thought it was a punishment – and wondered even more why Roxie wasn’t riding in there ! Apparently it wasn’t just the dogs who came over to see what was in the Chariot. Sophie attracted a great deal of attention at the dog park. Picture Angie with 9 dogs and pushing a Chariot with a big red dog riding like a 3-legged queen. Quite the picture.

After the first couple of walks/rides, Sophie has got the hang of this Chariot thing. Now she knows that she can hop in and out – and she spends a little more time out of it than in when she goes with the big group. She comes home very happy, very tired, and has dreams that make her paws twitch, her lips quiver and elicit high pitched barks. She is obviously dreaming about running and chasing something – the things that Sophie loves best.

Her Chariot has given her back some freedom. I can almost hear the Chariots of Fire theme song … and picture her hopping down the path in slow motion …

Hey – I think I have an idea for a video audition tape !

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I wonder where my Sophie is…

Ah – there she is – launching herself out of my vehicle – off the top steps into the garage – down the stairs at the front porch … I swear – if she could sing – it would be that song…”I believe I can fly…” you know the one I mean?  The spirit is certainly willing – but the leg is missing ! Landing on one front foot instead of two tends to be less stable than the two-footed landing. Score – 10 for effort – 1.5 for the overall jump – didn’t stick the landing. Definite disqualification. Definite face plant.

Sophie has a step-sister/dog – a heeler/border collie cross named Roxie – who is a tripawd due to an incident when she was a very young puppy. Roxie is about 3 now and has never really known life as a quadpawd. Nothing – and I mean nothing – gets by Roxie – particularly if it happens to have long ears, a powder puff tail, and very large back feet. Upon sighting one of THEM – her brain turns to auto pilot and her turbo engine kicks in – I would bet my second last dollar on her in any race against a quadpawd if there was a rabbit involved. But – I digress. The point I was going to make is that Roxie CAN launch herself out of cars, down stairs, out of second story windows (ok, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but you get my point) – and stick a landing. Sophie cannot. Hanging out with Roxie has, I think, given Sophie confidence in her potential as a tripawd and, when coupled with Sophie’s general optimistic outlook on life – she has seemingly chosen to ignore the fact that she has only been a tripawd for about a month. Her one front leg supports a substantial amount of dog, and will take a little time to build up appropriate strength for such things as flying out of the vehicle the second the hatch opens, or skidding around the corner to knock us over in her launch down the stairs the second the garage door opens (in case we’re planning to leave without her). Which is not to say that she WON’T be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, eventually.

One simple law of physics keeps thwarting her efforts to fly – what goes up must come down… the higher you go the farther you fall… the bigger they are the harder they fall… golden retrievers are not meant to fly … but don’t tell Sophie. 🙂   She’s a rebel dog – flying contrary to the law is what gives her that twinkle in her eyes.

“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”
Anonymous.

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Wow – it was a day. I’ve waited until it was officially over to speak of it – so as not to temp fate to add the dreaded third event to this nasty time period.

1) Went to the vet for chemo consultation.

2) Had an appointment downtown.

3) Upon leaving appointment – witnessed a pedestrian / vehicle crash.

4) Several hours later – HAD a car accident myself !! (darn, darn, darn !!) – Having trouble concentrating these days.

First of all, at 9:00 am, Sophie and I went to the vet clinic for consultation about getting Chemo. We were told that Sophie’s tumor (soft cell sarcoma) is unique even among that grouping – and that there is no way of knowing if the cancer has spread beyond the lymph node. The vet suspects that cells have spread through her lymphatic system. She told us that the type of tumor Sophie has may respond better to radiation therapy – but, again, there is no way of knowing. She says that even if we go ahead with the chemo, that there will likely be no measurable improvement, and that Sophie likely has somewhere between 4 months to 8 months – a year at most. For a 12.5 year old Golden, however, that’s a pretty old age without cancer. So – in reality, can I expect much more than that?

On the one hand, the vet said that if it were her dog, she would go ahead with the chemo; and on the other hand, she said that there would not likely be any measurable difference. I am a bit confused by these two seemingly dichotomas scenarios. Hedging her bets? She – the vet – stated that this would definitely not be a matter of curing Sophie’s cancer. So – if it’s not going to make a measurable difference in life span – and will, presumably, have some negative impact on her quality of life – if only a little – is it worth doing?

Any thoughts out there ? I’m beginning to wonder if I did the right thing by Sophie by amputating her leg …. which is something I swore not to do – don’t ever look back and second guess. I made the best decision I could make with the information and resources I had available at the time – with the best interests of Sophie in my foremost thoughts.

Thank you to all of you who are willing to share their thoughts and their journeys. It is so helpful to those of us coming down this path after you.

Sincerely,

Tana and Sophie

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